What was my old prologue is out, and a brand-new prologue is in. My original Chapter One was moved to later in the story, and what was Original Chapter Three is now New Chapter One.
(Did you all follow that? I’m not sure I did!)
To recap, I now have a New Chapter One—a new beginning. And we all know how important beginnings are. Yes, I have a prologue, but Chapter One is still so important. When I read a book with a prologue, I look at the first chapter as the start of the real story. To me, it still has to grab the reader right from the start, or else that reader could very well toss the book and go to the next book that he or she likely picked up for free or cheap somewhere! (Sorry, got a little off topic there.) I need, and want, something that good. (And I really loved the beginning of Original Chapter One, too....sigh.)
But we soldier on.
This book is a sequel to my debut novel (Surrender to Sanctuary), and New Chapter One opens with one of the main secondary characters from that book. In fact, that same character opened the first book (in the prologue), so in a rare moment of inspiration, I decided it would be clever to parrot that opening.
Here’s the original opening from Surrender to Sanctuary:
Maxwell Davies was lost.
He squinted toward the countryside behind him, down the tattered two-lane roadway he’d just traveled, empty but for the smattering of cows and sheep grazing on the hillsides and an occasional farmer’s cottage. Ahead lay the intersection of a triplet of lanes bordered by a series of hedgerows and flowering bushes that threatened to overrun the dirt-packed lanes.
Should be easy to come up with a complementary opening, right? Not so much. I hated everything I came up with. Like these...
Maxwell Davies was troubled.UGH. Lame! Weak! Wimpy!
Maxwell Davies was desperate.No way, totally out of character.
Maxwell Davies was enraged.No!!! Makes him sound like a lunatic...and it's way too early in the book for that!
So here’s what I’ve come up with so far for my New Chapter One beginning. I’d love your opinion. Would you want to read more? (Remember: This is a first draft. Please be gentle!) :-)
Danger.So that's what I've got. Thoughts?
Maxwell Davies sensed its presence as he stood at the big picture window in his office overlooking the back lawns at Sanctuary, Virginia, a tumbler of Maker’s Mark in one hand and a lit cigar in the other. Members in tuxes and their mates in glittering gowns gathered in groups of four or six, talking, laughing, drinking, enjoying life. Others danced, their arms twined tightly around one another, on a temporary dance floor where a six-piece ensemble pumped out a steady playlist of top hits from the ‘60s, ‘70s and ‘80s.
The community was in party mode, and he was late, lost in thought over the troubled waters they’d just navigated, and the murky waters that still lay ahead. Maxwell didn’t know the source, or the timing, only that every instinct screamed warning-warning-warning like a clanging bell in the back of his head. (In my head I’m hearing "Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!" ... Might want to change this line.)
Dusk had fallen, layering the sky with streaks of oranges, pinks and blues, casting sultry shadows over the celebrants. Ahead, multicolored lights twinkled in the trees lining the mighty James River, like hundreds of rainbow fireflies lighting the evening sky. Flowers in a dozen shades lined the pathways traversing the property from the river all the way to the gated entrance.
My creation, he thought as he took a puff of the cigar and savored its rich tobacco flavor. Mine to protect. Mine to defend.
Am I worrying too much? Does the first line of the first chapter have the same impact on a reader when there is a prologue?
Or maybe I just need to finish the book before spending too much time on this. I mean, who knows what might happen to Max between now and then!
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26 comments:
I'm so excited you are doing a sequel! I am drawn into the story - "Danger" alone as a statement is strong and underlies his foreboding. WRITE MORE!
I love this new beginning. Very descriptive and sets a tone. Prologues? Well, I read by someone much bigger than me to never use them. Never? I'd never say never. I have a prologue in only one of my books and I like it. I think you're right though. The prologue has to capture the reader but so does chapter one.
Thanks, Dana! I feel so motivated now! Thank you. :-)
I've read the same thing, Brenda (about prologues), but "The Plot Master" (a/k/a hubby) is enamored with them,and I try to pick my battles with him (in every aspect of our lives together). :-) Glad my beginning to New Chapter One works for you. Thanks for taking a look!
I like this, especially the first line, but a little bit of rearranging would help, IMHO. How about:
Maxwell Davies sensed its presence as he stood at the big picture window in his office overlooking the back lawns at Sanctuary, Virginia, a tumbler of Maker’s Mark in one hand and a lit cigar in the other. He didn’t know the source, or the timing, only that every instinct screamed warning-warning-warning like a clanging bell in the back of his head.
The community was in party mode, and he was late, lost in thought over the troubled waters they’d just navigated, and the murky waters that still lay ahead. Members in tuxes and their mates in glittering gowns gathered in groups of four or six, talking, laughing, drinking, enjoying life. Others danced, their arms twined tightly around one another, on a temporary dance floor where a six-piece ensemble pumped out a steady playlist of top hits from the ‘60s, ‘70s and ‘80s.
Then continue on with the 3rd paragraph. This keeps the suspense front and center in the opening. BTW, you write like Margo with all the moving of chapters. She knows she makes me crazy cutting and pasting all over the place! LOL
Great suggestions, Jannine. I'll make a note in the manuscript. Thanks!
I like prologues when they bring historical facts into the story. Say from the Mesopotamia era or Native American lore. Then when it's used within the book, it makes more sense.
I love a beginning that reaches out and grabs me around the throat and hisses, "hang on sweetie, you're in for a powerful ride." Yours did that and with Jannine's suggestion, it does it even more. Remember, less description and more action. Make something happen and hook the reader. I love this so far.
Thanks, Vonnie. My prologue takes place 100-something years in the past and does set the foundation for a big part of the story, although it's all fiction! I'm with you about wanting the story to grab me from and shake me...great description. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. :-)
Leah, I got stopped by 'his office'...a big, formal party in his office? If he's preoccupied about something ominous, would he enjoy a pull on his cigar and notice glitter? I think you're using limited omniscient, here, but since he's filled with dread, you may want to tighten the description to fit his mood. I definitely want to know what he's frightened of...an 'it'...its presence...he 'made' it...a frankenstein story?
Nora Roberts seems to employ long, detailed prologues with success. However, I've gotten some reader feedback that indicates they don't even read the prologue. They aren't interested in the backstory and want to jump right into some action. They seem to prefer having background material come out later in the book.
What do you guys think?
Thanks, Rolynn. This is what I'm running into when I pull something I wrote for Chapter Three and reshaping it and adding the "danger" part to open the story. I'm so familiar with it, I don't even notice those things. Thanks so much for pointing out.
I've read the same thing about Nora's prologues, Robin. I'd be interested in what everyone else thinks, too, although I'm pretty much set with leaving this story with prologue as is.
Oh, Leah, we truly are twins separated at birth. (Forget the fact your birth happened a few years AFTER mine ;-) The trail of your chapter one is now chapter three made perfect sense to me. As Jannine beat me to saying, I write EXACTLY as you do. Chapters moving all over the place, and yes, it does make her crazy. (A dirty job, but somebody has to do it.) I love your opening. What a hook! And yes, yes, yes, I want to read more. Since you did ask, here's my suggestion for the opening to make it more similar to the opening from your first book.
Maxwell Davies sensed danger.
He stood...(then carry on with what Jannine suggested.)
Oh, and IMHO prologues can work if they take place way back when to set up the current story. Otherwise bring in the 'what happened before' through your characters and their actions. Now that that's all settled, put your head down, dig in, and write this book so we can all read and enjoy it.
Three of my five books with Forever have prologues. My editor never suggested deleting them. IMHO if they serve a real purpose (i.e. hooking the reader) I don't think it matters what the opening is called.
I like the "Danger" beginning since tension or action are critical early on in RS. Your descriptions are superb, just remember to keep weaving in the tension. Great start. Can't wait to read more.
I hope we can meet in person some day, Margo, and compare our family lineage (lineages...whatever). :-) You never know!! I like your alternative to start with "Maxwell Davies..." Hmmm....something else to think about! Thank you!
Hey, Marissa - Thanks for stopping by! You make a good point--the beginning is the beginning, whatever you call it! Whether it's the prologue or a "chapter," it has to grab the reader. :-)
I follow my agent's advice. Your prologue should be your first chapter, even if it's in the distant past. I like the idea of menace, but I gather this glittery, fancy party is in the afternoon. Don't much think people would be dancing in the afternoon. I'd look for it being late, rather than him being late. I'd look for glittering lights of near midnight, of glittering people inside, and a sense of danger or doom inside him. Just my $0.02.
Nice pull at the beginning. I'd prefer shorter sentences but that's me. I also have no preferences regarding prologues, but feel they should be short and reflect something later in the book--a clarification if you like.
Thanks, Betsy. It's actually late afternoon/early evening (dusk), and this is a community where there's a whole different definition of "normal." :-) Your point is well taken, though. When originally written, this scene had nothing to do with danger, and I'm trying to work it into that. I've thought about tossing it and starting over, but I really hate tossing scenes. I'll have to nail this down in editing. I appreciate your thoughts!
Hi, Andi - Yes, a couple of those sentences are a bit long. :-) I'm sure they'll be edited down! The prologue sets the stage for what takes place later. I like your way of looking at them.
I'm glad you're writing the sequel to Sanctuary. I really enjoyed that story. Your new prologue is stronger than the one in the 1st book. You've gotten some good suggestions. Pick what works best for you. I agree with you that instead of focusing on the 1st sentence, finish the book. When you don't think about it, something will hit you that you really like.
The only time I ever wrote a prologue, I took it out. I saved it, though, because I love it. Someday, somewhere, I'll find a place for it! I think this book is off to a good start--definitely suspenseful. I have to vote with Diane. At this point, keep on writing the book rather than spend too much time re-working the beginning. I forced myself to take that advice on my WIP. A few months ago, someone tagged me in one of those "share your first seven lines" things. I re-read my first seven lines and realized only the first one was really good. The rest got bogged down in detail. However, I did NOT go back and work on it (very unlike me!) I'm forging on with this book and will fix it on the first round of edits. Problems seem to stand out better when you give yourself a little time and space.
I know you're right, Diane, about not fussing too much right now. I've already had a few thoughts pop into my head from all the great suggestions. :-) Thanks for the kind words about the first book!
Sometimes having those few lines isolated (for a different purpose) will give us a whole new perspective, Alison. And yes, time and space help as well. I'm glad you're forging ahead on your WIP! And I hope to read that prologue some day. :-)
I am SO excited you're writing a sequel to Sanctuary!! I love this opening, but I do like Jannine's suggestion about moving that sentence, and I was going to mention starting with a shorter sentence, like I believe Margo did, which would just be breaking that first one up into two sentences. I disagree that you should never have a prologue. No matter how 'big' the author is, they don't know everything. Not even Stephen King, as much as it pains me to admit that. :) I think an author should trust their instincts and if an editor tells them to rename or get rid of the prologue, then they can choose whether to do it or battle the editor. :) On the other hand, I HATE Epilogues. Really hate them. To me, when the excitement winds down, they get the bad guy, admit their love, etc, the story ENDS. I couldn't care less that 'one year later' they are at the hospital delivering baby one.
Ally, as I read the suggestions on tightening tension and sentence length, I pictured you editing the piece, adding a comment along the lines of: "Maybe you could break that down into two sentences." Thank goodness for wonderful editors, and fellow authors with great suggestions. :-) Hopefully I'll get the blasted thing finished before the next decade so you dig into it! I don't hate epilogues, but they do always feel anticlimactic. I've never written one, and now I probably won't! :-)
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