Monday, October 27, 2014

A Tale of Two Feet by Betsy Ashton

I admit it. I'm awkward. I'm clumsy. I trip everywhere. Going up stairs. Going down stairs. On the flowers in the carpet. Blame it on my horoscope.

Let's take a quick look at sun signs. My sun sign is Capricorn. That fits. Earth mother. My moon is in Scorpio. Makes me moody. And my rising sign is Pisces. Pisces rules the feet. Not very well, I might add.

I was clumsy from the time I was a child. My mother saved tons of money on dance lessons. Two left feet would have been better than what I had. I didn't excel in anything resulting in balance until I learned to ride a horse. Then, I learned about rhythm, balance and fluid movements. My awkwardness declined as I became a better rider. My travails on horseback are best left for a different post.

I once tripped and launched a tray of cocktails at a table in a swanky yacht club. I was the waitess with the "Oh, Miss" name tag. I'd complained about a rip in the carpet for a few Saturdays. I warned the manager it was a trip waiting to happen. The trip happened. To me. Let's not go into detail but I will admit that the six people at the table were not amused to be wearing a variety of drinks. Not amused at all.

Have you ever been tripped by a wad of gum? I have. I stepped onto a large piece of what felt and looked like bubble gum on a sidewalk in Manhattan. New York, not Kansas. Down I went. I know that gum wad shaped itself into a hand, grabbed my ankle and flung me to the concrete. No one saw the hand, but I know it was there.

I've broken eight of my toes over the course of years. So far, the big toes are still in tact, but the others have suffered from tripping, kicking furniture or being stomped on by my horse.

I broke my right ankle and walked around on it for six weeks before it hurt so much I had to go to the doctor. The lecture he gave me reminded me why orthopedists aren't my favorite doctors. How did I break it, you ask? I fell off a sneaker out walking one morning at dawn. Rolled off a stone and down four inches of pavement to the dirt on the edge of the road. Sigh. I was so embarrassed.

Gradually, I became more sure footed, but only if I paid extra attention to where I put my feet. I still look down rather than out when I walk. I hold onto stair railings going up as well as down, since I'm more likely to trip going up. Don't know why. Just sayin'.

You can understand why I faced this topic of falling with trepidation. Oh hell, with terror. I didn't want to confess how incredibly clumsy I am. So I won't.


Betsy Ashton is the author of Mad Max Unintended Consequences available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. The second book in the series, Uncharted Territory, will be released in June 2015. She lives for words and writing.


Margo Hoornstra said...

With all due respect to your 'affliction' hilarious post. Enjoyed myself. Thank you.

Jannine Gallant said...

I hold onto railings and look down not out, too. At least I do when I'm on a trail with rocks and other possible tripping hazards. Maybe it's a writer thing. Our creative brains make us clumsy! Yep, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it! Funny post, Betsy.

Barbara Edwards said...

Sigh. I'm a lot clumsier than I used to be. I fell off my bike twice before I decided it might be my balance that is going bad, not the condition of the flat paved road.

Leah St. James said...

Betsy, I'm a Taurus, but I suffer from the same state of clumsiness! The episodes are too numerous to list, but I think the worst was in 3rd grade I lost my balance for no good reason, fell into the teacher's desk and knocked over a vase of flowers...right onto a sleeve of photos from his recent overseas trip, including negatives. (Yes, this was decades before digital.) I could go on but I'm depressing myself. :-) It helps to know I'm not alone!