Thursday, November 19, 2015

How Nice is too Nice? by Alicia Dean


For most of my life, I have been accused of being ‘too nice,’ which is a polite way of saying I’m a pushover. I admit, I find it difficult to say that two-letter word. As a result, a great deal of my time is taken up doing for other people. (Before any of my author friends think I'm referring to you and/or that I'm tooting my own horn, that is not the case at all. I get a LOT from you in return. I do not feel, in the least, that I am doing more for you than you are for me. I am blessed with the outpouring of support and help from my friends. And, my comments about my lack of ability to say no are definitely not bragging. I'm a bit of a doormat :/)

I’ll admit, sometimes when I say ‘yes,’ I end up resenting it. Those times are rare, but once in a while, it turns out that I feel taken advantage of. I end up working with authors over and over, almost rewording their entire MS in an effort to help them grow as a writer. Some of these authors either become needy and clingy and never figure things out for themselves, or they become demanding, difficult divas. However, the rewards far outweigh the negatives. I have also made some amazing friends and seen writers who have blossomed and realized their talents and actually learned rather than depending on me to guide their every step.

My inability to say no extends to more areas than the writing world. I can’t say no to my children (although I did when they were growing up. I’m not THAT much of a pushover. ;)), my family, my friends, or even strangers. I buy items I don’t want, attend events I’d rather not, take on projects I don't have time for, etc. But, the thing is, I really DO want to do things for other people. It makes me feel good, which is, perhaps, a selfish motivation, right?

I recall a ‘Friends’ episode where Joey is disappointed when he volunteers for a telethon, thinking he'll be a host, and learns he's only going to be manning the phones. Phoebe accuses him of having selfish motivations for being on the telethon, which disqualifies it as a 'good deed.'  Joey tells her that having the babies for her brother also wasn't a selfless act and that there are no selfless good deeds. She vows to prove him wrong. After every other attempt fails, she donates $200 to PBS, even though she hates the station and therefore wins the bet. But, her donation causes Joey to be the volunteer who breaks last year's record, and he ends up being on TV. Phoebe is happy about it, and once again, that nullifies her good deed as 'selfless.' Here's a clip:



(UGH...I really miss this show. Yes, I know, reruns out the wazoo, but it's not the same as having new episodes to enjoy)

So...what do you think? Is Joey right? Are there truly not any selfless deeds? Do have difficulty saying no? And, at 54 years old, am I doomed to be a pushover for the rest of my life? :) 



16 comments:

Jannine Gallant said...

Watched the whole clip. Friends was THE BEST! Hmmm, Joey might have a point. But getting pleasure from good deeds isn't so horrible, so you go girl with your good deeds! Uh, I'm pretty sure you're doomed to be a pushover for life, so you might as well enjoy it!

Alicia Dean said...

Yes, it WAS!! :) LOL. I think you're right. I shall embrace my pushoverness.

Rolynn Anderson said...

I don't have kids, but seems to me that being a mother is pushoverness from the get-go. Sure, you say no sometimes, but the selflessness involved in parenthood is a given. So yes, most parenthood acts are quite selfless. As for failing to say 'no' to folks (other than immediate family)...I'd only worry if you gave up your principles in the process of being pushed by those folks.

Alicia Dean said...

That is absolutely correct, Rolynn. I was a pushover as a mom when they were small, but I did try to say no more often than I do now. :) I do not give up my principles, so I guess I'm good to go. Thanks for your comment!

Leah St. James said...

LOVED Friends, and that is a great episode. (Does anyone remember the episode where Joey is reading a romance novel? Too fun.) Anyway, Alicia, you and I are soul mates in the can't-say-no department. My boss (at the day job) makes me practice sometimes. "Leah, just say the word. Say 'no.' Come on, you can do it." I'm told a good strategy is to put off answering until you can come up with a response you're comfortable with. Like, "I'll have to think about it. I'll get back to you." But I'm so conditioned to just agree, I usually forget.

Diane Burton said...

I used to be like you, Alicia. I had a neon light that flashed from my forehead "volunteer" (aka sucker). I did enjoy the things I volunteered for, but at what cost? I often put my own needs aside. I think I've lined up my priorities better. I decided I didn't need to do everything. (Says the girl who volunteered to be her RWA chapter's treasurer for another year.) Having said all that, by doing things for others, I've gotten so much more in return--esp. good friends. Do what you absolutely want to do, Alicia.

Liz Flaherty said...

One thing I love about retirement from the day job is the ability to say Yes, and I say Yes a lot. Most of the time, I don't worry about the motivation, and when I do, I also have to say, What's WRONG with it being good for me, too? There are much worse things than being classified a pushover. Just go with what feels right.

Margo Hoornstra said...

Hah! Pushoverness does seem to be a given in parenthood. Then grandparenthood comes along and watch out! Talk about you ain't seen nothing yet. Diane's right sometimes we just have to say yes when we know the me time we're giving up (says the lady who volunteered to be that same RWA Chapter's President) the friends and rewards are worth it. Embrace your push over abilities, Ally. It's a gift!

Alicia Dean said...

Ha, Leah...well, there are worse things than being soulmates with you. :) It's good to know I'm not alone. :) Yes, I remember that episode. SO good. I swear, I've seen every episode a dozen times. Speaking of 'episode,' do you watch 'Episode' on Showtime? Matt LeBlanc's show? It's a bit quirky and different, but I love it.

Alicia Dean said...

Thanks, Diane. It sounds like you've found somewhat of a balance. I guess, as women, we often put the needs of others in front of our own. And maybe that's not a terrible thing. Yes, I have gotten more in return as well, so it's totally worth it. :)

Alicia Dean said...

Ah, good point, Liz. I'm envious of your retirement status. I love my day job, but it would be so nice to have more free time. I guess there's nothing wrong with that 'feel good' feeling. Thanks!

Alicia Dean said...

Oh wow, Margo, I can only imagine how much more of a pushover I would be as grandmother. Hopefully, one of these days. Haha, well, I guess we are all pushovers to an extent. Okay, I'll embrace it. Thanks, Margo!

Brenda Whiteside said...

Fun post, Alicia. I turned a corner a few years back and stopped doing what didn't make me happy. BUT am still a huge pushover for kids and granddaughter. I say yes before they even ask. Just as long as you feel good about it, go for it.

Susan Coryell said...

It took retirement for me to join the "Just Say No" club. I spent all my adult professional years doing things I did not want to do for my kids' sake or my career's sake or...whatever. NOW? I limit my YES answers to things I know I can support 100% cheerfully. It's a life-changer. That said, I appreciate your willingness to guide me as my editor--especially for the technology where I am clueless!

Alicia Dean said...

It's funny how many people get to a point where they turn that corner. I'm still waiting for mine, LOL. But, I do feel good about most of it, so I guess I'll keep doing what I'm doing. :)

Alicia Dean said...

I completely understand, Susan. After all those years of sacrifice, you SHOULD only say yes to the things you really can support. Aw, you are most welcome. You're a joy to work with and I don't mind helping you through those little techno issues. :)