On The Make is Book 3 in my latest series, Brothers In
Blue. Four heroes who met at the police academy and became life long friends. The
dropout, the straight arrow, the movie star and the maverick. All share a
passion to serve and protect, each in their own unique way.
A while back on these pages, February 11 to be exact, I
shared the first five paragraphs of On The Make, along with a plea for help in
getting the words right. At that time, I had essentially five paragraphs of
introspection and very little dialogue. Since the story opens at a
funeral, and deals with my heroine’s
reaction to being there with her two sons, many of my ROP buds thought maybe I
needed to lighten the prose up a bit.
Now back from the drawing board, this is what I’ve come up
with.
“Let us pray.”
Madison Clark dutifully lowered her head, along with scores
of others in the huge, impersonal auditorium. In her case, more for show than
reverence. Who held a funeral at a place like this? The Greater Metro
Conference and Convention Center. Then again, nothing about her marriage to
Joe, short as it was, could be construed as normal. Why should anything change
now that he was gone?
“Dear Lord, we commit Joseph Eugene Edward Ralls, this once
earthly soul, to your able and compassionate care.”
Dear Lord. Please don’t let him run
into Dave.
Despite the solemn nature of the occasion, she couldn’t
hold off invading memories of a previous life changing event. Hard to believe
three short years earlier she’d buried one husband, the love of her life and
soulmate, with her young sons, and his, on either side of her.
“Almighty God, we ask that you grant those of us left
behind the guidance to understand and the patience to accept your decision.”
The minister’s voice invaded her thoughts. Keeping her head
down, she shifted her hips more snuggled in the plush stadium style chair and
sat straighter. A mere thirty six months later, front and center in the
jam-packed amphitheater, she prepared to bury spouse number two.
Back when their father died, Dak, the sensitive one, sobbed so
loudly during a solo of Amazing Grace, he drowned out the lyrics. At eight, he
was old enough to understand and process the chaos of event since his father’s
unexpected, and lethal, leukemia diagnosis. While not able to make sense of it
at all. Cameron, two years older, and already stoic and long suffering like his
dad, hadn’t moved a muscle during the entire service.
Much as he was now.
“In your name we pray. Amen.”
“Amen.” Madison murmured the response along with so many
others in the room.
As all their heads came up as a single unit, her thoughts
remained on her two boys.
Now older and more mature, each exhibited no more emotion
than simple boredom as the accolades went on and on for their mother’s late
husband.
Okay now. Be honest. I can take it. Does this work or no?
The story does lighten up from there. I promise.
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11 comments:
I think you've got a great start, Margo. I love the idea of opening with a funeral. (I've written a few funeral openings myself -- books that haven't yet made it past a few chapters.)
I love the line, "Dear Lord, please don't let him run into Dave." I pictured her snickering to herself, like I did when I read it. :-)
I got confused in the part where you describe the boys' reactions.
"Back when their father died..."
I got stuck on who the "their" was until I read a little farther. It's Dave, right?
"...Dak, the sensitive one, sobbed so loudly during a solo of Amazing Grace, he drowned out the lyrics. At eight, he was old enough to understand and process the chaos of event since his father’s unexpected, and lethal, leukemia diagnosis. While not able to make sense of it at all. Cameron, two years older, and already stoic and long suffering like his dad, hadn’t moved a muscle during the entire service."
I'm not sure which boy the "while not able to make sense..." phrase is referring to. I've read it both ways and could make a case for either.
So I would make it clear who Dave is, and I'd change the punctuation on that "while not able" phrase to connect it to whichever boy.
I also think it might help to have a stronger transition between the two paragraphs before that section.
Maybe something as simple as:
A mere thirty six months later, front and center in the jam-packed amphitheater, she prepared to bury spouse number two, her sons beside her once again.
Back when Dave died, Dak, the sensitive one, sobbed so loudly during a solo of Amazing Grace, he drowned out the lyrics. At eight, he was old enough to understand and process the chaos of event since his father’s unexpected, and lethal, leukemia diagnosis. While not able to make sense of it at all, Cameron, two years older, and already stoic and long suffering like his dad, hadn’t moved a muscle during the entire service.
(And I'm still note sure which son couldn't make sense of it at all, but maybe it's just me!) :-)
Otherwise, I think it's a great start. I'm wondering what has happened to turn Madison into a "Black Widow" and what's next for her and her sons? What happened to Dave's sons? Presumably there's a mother somewhere? I'm worried about them! (You don't have to answer...just saying I'm already hooked and ready to turn to the next page!)
Have fun writing!
Some great suggestions there, Leah. Thank you. I knew I could count on you! As always, as the writer, I know what I’m thinking and trying to portray. I can see how it would be confusing though. Guess I have more ‘splaining to do. The boys are Madison and Dave’s sons. Same two boys, different husband, who wasn’t all that enamored with them, but they came along with what he considered his trophy wife. It’s good you picked up on the Black Widow jibe. Hence one of the upcoming conflicts with her and the ta-ta-ta-ta-ta hero Adam.
You asked for brutal honesty. (Am I ever anything else?) You can get it now or later... I'm choosing now. This is still a huge info dump! You're telling us way more than we need to know. Don't tell how the boys reacted to their father's funeral. Feed that in later in the book in small chunks. Right now SHOW how they're reacting to this one. The oldest is on his phone. The youngest is tapping his foot in an annoying way that makes Madison's already rough nerves ready to snap. She clamps her hand over his leg to stop him. Something like that to show boredom in the boys and how she's feeling. As for the husband line, I like that but take it further. "I hope he doesn't run into my first husband up there. Dave would punch him." (Or whatever reaction the two would have to meeting.) "Of course, the two meeting in the afterlife probably wouldn't be a problem since Joe was undoubtedly headed straight to hell." Give the reader something to wonder about. Create mystery and tension. Okay, I'll shut up now. Those were a few of my initial thoughts. Alison is probably feeling better about my slash and burn editing style as she realizes she isn't the only one I'm brutal with! LOL BTW, I'm so happy you're back to writing again!!
I made myself read your excerpt before I read Jannine and Margo's comments. I come to a halt in the first paragraph and stutter-stepped from there. Too many characters and too many cliches...soulmate, love of her life... The fact the woman isn't sad about her second husband's death is intriguing, but also makes the reader care less about her as a person, so the reader isn't liking her very much right now. Rather than critique what you have here, considering the following questions might help you rethink your beginning.
a. Point of view of her sons?
b. Point of view of the one or more of her dead husbands? (Dave meeting Joe was the most interesting idea in your text...not that you'd start there...but a cool concept to explore later)
c. Minister's take? Joe's mother?
d. Why would I care about this woman?
e. What part of the funeral would be a better 'setting' to show rather than tell?
Sigh! Beginnings are so tough. We're with you on the angst. Show us your next version, Margo. We're your cheerleaders!
Knew I could count on you too, Jannine. What with those ‘leadership’ qualities of yours. As always, duly noted. Back again, to that old drawing board, huh? Take heart, Alison. You are soooooo not alone! Oh, BTW, JG. Thank you.
Cheer on, Rolynn. Cheer on. Some intriguing things to think about. Thank you for the insight, too.
My remarks are going to sound rather callous being a new widow. But this is exactly why Calvin insisted on cremation. And you know me, I'd have to start out with humor.
"My, doesn't he look like himself?" One of the two elderly female mourners leaned over the casket.
The silver-haired woman turned to her companion whose black wig was slightly askew. "Do you think he's got his dentures in?" A black gloved hand tapped (name) lips.
My eldest son, who'd been displaying complete boredom over his step-dad's funeral, never looked up from his cellphone as he mumbled, "The town criers are here."
He was right. These two women made grieving an art form. I clasped my hands even tighter. My husband--late-husband and I was still reeling from the shock--would have hated being stared at like that.
"Martha, don't even think about prying his lips apart. You know the funeral director sews the lips together. A travesty, I always say."
My youngest son's head popped up. "Mom, is that true? I've gotta see." He was halfway out of his seat before I snagged his arm. Lord, please let me get through this without having a complete meltdown. I had to hold myself together.
---- Have you ever read any of the Stephanie Plum series? The heroine's grandmother was a professional funeral attendee. Nothing she loved more than staring at the dead and remarking on the casket. It leant humor and drew the reader in. At least it always did me. But then we all know I'm weird like that.
"Don't be silly, Margaret
Aww, Vonnie. A priceless ‘comment’ as per usual. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your take. I’m sure Calvin got a kick out of it too. (Don’t you see him smiling?) You make my Madison seem darned near cardboard the way I have her written. Back to the old drawing board, again, with all of these wonderful suggestions. Knew I could count on my ROP pals. And yes I have read, and enjoyed a few Stephanie Plum novels. You need to play Grandma Mazur in the next movie. You’d be great as her. LOL
Margo, I haven't read anyone else's comments, but I for one found it totally enjoyable. It had just enough irreverence and solemness. Good job!
Why thank you, Brenda. I appreciate that. Not too much of a downer. Or too dark. That’s what I was worried about.
I can't add to the great comments you've gotten so far. Take Vonnie's advice and read a couple of Stephanie Plum books. Grandma Mazur loves funerals. I like the idea of the 2 husbands meeting each other. Also like Jannine's idea that they wouldn't because one went to hell. Glad to see you're writing again. Keep it up.
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