Mid-Michigan, my
local Romance Writers of America chapter, had a first three pages critique
opportunity at its meeting this past Saturday. Along with fifteen others, I
submitted the beginning of my latest WIP, Deceived by Trust, to be read and reviewed by the group.
Chapter
One
“Police! Stop right there! Put your
hands where we can see them!”
Two steps into the storage locker, Jenny
Reynolds froze. A white light flashed in her eyes. Nearly blinded, she blinked
in the glare. Her purse hit the ground with a thud.
Fingers splayed opened, she raised her
hands. “What’s going on?” Heart thundering, breaths shallow, her body snapped
into survival mode. “What do you want?”
“We’ll ask the questions. Is this your
storage locker?”
“Yes.” Mouth dry, she struggled to
grasp what was happening as a knot lodged in her stomach. “This is the one I
rented yesterday.”
She squinted into the brilliance but
could see nothing beyond bright white.
What
if they aren’t police?
A Detroit native for most of her life,
she was well aware crime could happen anywhere. Even so close to her own
backyard of Mayfield, one of its more upscale suburbs. Not only that—the knot
tightened—these units were advertised as specially insulated. Were they sound
proof too? Would anyone hear her scream?
If this was a robbery, they could take
whatever she had and leave her alone. “There’s nothing stored in here yet, but
I have some money in my purse.” Right leg extended, she started to toe the bag
over to whoever held the freaking bright light on her.
“Don’t move!”
“Okay.” Her right arm dipped slightly
to regain her balance. She retracted her leg. “Doing my best to not move here.”
“Are you Jenny Reynolds?” Her purse was
snatched away.
She was about to ask if she could lower
her hands, then decided against it. “Yes.”
“And this is the storage locker you
rented?”
“I already told you that. I also told
you there’s nothing stored in here yet.”
“Really?”
“I have a few household items out in
the truck. Friends are helping me cart over some larger furniture tomorrow.”
She was talking way too much. Nerves always made her do that. “Please, what is
this about?”
As if they’d finally taken pity, the
glare scorching her eyes was blessedly dimmed. The door on the ten foot by
twelve foot cubicle creaked as it was trundled shut behind her. She spun around
as the latch mechanism clunked into place.
“Stay where you are.”
Without a second thought, she did as she was told. After
a soft click, track lighting in the ceiling came on. She blinked to clear her
watery vision. Two uniformed police officers stood on either side of the now
secured door.
A man in a dark suit with a badge hung
outside the breast pocket stepped toward her, his expression grim. “Do you have
ID?”
She accepted the purse he handed back.
“What’s going on?”
“Did you sign the contract to rent this
storage locker?”
Fishing out her wallet, she produced
her driver’s license. “Yes. I told you I rented it.”
He took the license along with her
purse and wallet, passing it all to one of the officers. “Did you sign the
contract and intend this space to be used to store selected items of yours?”
“Yes. As I said, I’m bringing some
bigger things over tomorrow.”
“Where do you plan to put them?”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
One hand put a light grip on her arm.
The other closed over her shoulder as he rotated her toward the interior. Huge
shelving she’d never seen before lined the back wall. Various metal parts and
gadgets she didn’t recognize, some tagged with cardboard labels, were neatly
arranged on the evenly spaced surfaces.
“I don’t know what all of that is.” She
let out a shaky breath. “Or how it got in here.”
“That’s what they all say.” The sarcasm
lacing his tone as much as told her further denial would be futile.
“It’s the truth.”
“Can’t wait to hear what you have to
say about the truck you arrived in.”
Nodding to one of the uniformed
officers to raise the door, his hold on her didn’t let up one whit as he
marched her into the rapidly cooling air of an early spring evening. A police
car was parked beside the loaner truck she’d arrived in. Spinning red, white
and blue lights jumped and pulsed on the building walls.
“I don’t suppose you have the
registration and proof of insurance for this vehicle?”
She shook her head. “It belongs to a
friend of my ex-boyfriend.”
“Funny. This truck was reported stolen
last night.”
“But, I have the keys to it.” Eyes wide
in disbelief, she glanced around. “If you’ll hand me my purse again, I’ll show
you.”
“A spare set which the owner, stupidly
I’d say, left in the glove box.”
“I’m telling you this truck belongs to
the friend of my ex-boyfriend, Rod Do—”
“Donahue.” The plain clothesed cop
smiled. “You just answered my next question.”
“I what?” Both hands were drawn
together behind her back. Cold metal cinched her wrists.
“Jenny Reynolds you are under arrest
for possession of stolen property…”
“What?” Her breath caught, and time
stopped. “No!”
“You have the right to remain silent…”
He continued to talk in words that made
no sense to her fogged brain as he led her toward the squad car. The flashing
lights pulsed in jack-hammer time with her heart. A hand held onto the top of
her head as she was ushered inside the back seat.
Sheer panic threatened to close her
throat. She stuck her head through the still opened door. “There’s been a
mistake.”
“There’ve been a lot of mistakes.” He
peered in at her. “And you made them.”
Comments I received
went something like this: ‘Wow!’ ‘That really drew me into the story.’ ‘We have
a good feel for the conflict this heroine will have to deal with.’ ‘That
opening makes me want to read what comes next.’
Though I was
pleased by the positive feedback, call me crazy, part of me wanted a little
more. Surely there’s something here that needs to be improved upon.
Or maybe, just
maybe, I’ve done all I can (with help from CP Jannine, of course, who is no doubt as we speak, rolling her eyes) and it’s
simply time to send this one out into the world.
Deceived by Trust is the first in my four part series Brothers in Blue. So, tell me. What do you
think? Ready? Or not?
My days to blog
here are the 11th and 23rd. For more about me and my stories,
please visit my WEBSITE
14 comments:
Wow! How long do I have to wait before I can read the rest of the book???
I think I saw one verb tense I'd change, Margo. :-) But seriously, wow. You captured every emotion I would feel--is this a robbery, are they really the cops, etc. I was definitely drawn in and want to read more. Which one of the cops (the one with his hands on her?) ends up being the hero...and what does he look like. All that and more flashed through my mind.
I did get a little confused about where she was and what direction she was facing/being turned toward as the scene progressed and had to read carefully a few times to get the sequence. But it's early, and I'm old and easily confused. :-) I'd be interested to see what your eagle-eyed CP has to say! I think it's fantastic.
Angela, You have absolutely, positively made my day. Thank you!!!!
Leah, I'm sure old Eagle Eye will have a few things to say. (She always does ;-) Thanks for your take, too. Oh, and the hero? None of the above, but I do like that concept. Her personal hero doesn't even show up until chapter two. He's an ex-cop, BTW. (All part of his charm ;-)
Eagle-eye here. Still too many "Is this your lockers?" I'm pretty sure I cut a couple of those. Also, they have no reason to shut the door except you want the lights flashing when they open it. That's part of the turning around confusion Leah mentioned, and it's more complicated than it needs to be. Leave the door open and have her think there was only a single Chevy or whatever outside, no police cars, when she's wondering if they're real cops. You have her turn so she can't see the back until after the conversation. Just have them flip the light on at that point instead of the door shutting and the light going on beforehand. She says, "There's nothing stored here yet." He says, "Oh really" and flips on the light. That way he doesn't have to turn her back and forth. Okay, I'm finished. Good job. Get this baby submitted!
Wow, definitely a grabber!!! Excellent job, very well-done, and I would most definitely want to keep reading. I do have some suggestions, but ONLY because you asked and said you didn't just want praise. :) These are small things, and the scene would be perfectly fine without them, but if I were going to make suggestions, it might be something like...
I was going to mention a few things that Jannine mentioned, about some of the movements and actions that were probably not all needed. Also, I wondered exactly what this line meant: her body snapped into survival mode. - What did her body do, precisely, to snap into survival mode? I might do a few editing 'clean-ups' as to some unneeded words and such. I wonder if this is necessary: She was about to ask if she could lower her hands, then decided against it. - Since she DIDN'T ask, and you didn't share any kind of insight or emotion as to why she decided against it, I'd wonder if it was needed. And, on the 'right leg extended' part, was her right leg already extended, which is what it sounds like, or did she extend it at that moment, which might need to be reworded as 'extending her right leg...'
Just a few things like that, but it's a fantastic, well-written scene. Can't wait to see what you do with this series!
Loved it. I've been on that side of the law (mistakenly) and they are like that...told me I'd be back, etc. Rough dudes. I have respect for police in general and know we need them, but I'm not an automatic "cop liker" on a one on one basis. Anyway, what Jannine said as far as a crit. But it's a great opening!
Jannine - Yep, sure knew I could count on you. And out here in front of everybody at that. So noted. So, tell the truth. You did a little bit of an eye roll when you first read this, didn't you? Hah!
Alicia - Figured I could count on you too. Thanks. Fresh eyes are always good. After reading this over and over and over and over, things I take for granted shouldn't be, well, taken for granted. Appreciate the help.
Brenda - I, too, have tremendous respect (and affection ;-) for law enforcement. Though in this scene, I wanted to convey a sense of being sort of bullied in her. Helpless. At their mercy. You get the idea. So pleased you loved it. (Hear that, Jannine? ;-)
send...Send...SEND that baby. Tweek, if you want. I loved the first line. So, so loved it. A definite hook.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Vonnie. I think I will. Have to give credit where credit is due here, the original author of a form of that first line (there have been soooooo many rewrites I'm not sure of specifics) belongs to our own Jannine. I kinda took it from there.
No, the actual line was yours. The idea for the line was mine--to start it off with a bang, so to speak. You're right...this thing has been through a gazillion versions!
Jannine. I wondered. Cool! ;-)
Sounds great. Another one I hve to buy. My pile is getting big.
That was your story? I should have guessed. I, too, was disappointed that more feedback wasn't encouraged. But considering the number of entries, the moderators had to keep things moving. You've got a winner here, Margo. Can't wait to read the book.
What a grabber of an opening! Best wishes for success!
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