Thursday, May 3, 2018

Entering a New Phase of my Life by Vonnie Davis

Widowhood came too fast. Like the tornado that tore through our town and neighborhood, it shook me to my core. There'd been signs. Calvin growing weaker and insistent I'd be okay financially, but I refused to accept he was simply growing tired. I honestly think he knew.

A heart attack followed by a stroke and then a smaller heart attack kept him in the hospital for two weeks. Finally the doctor took me aside and laid it all out. Calvin's heart was operating at 10%. He couldn't walk or talk. She was putting him on Hospice and estimated he had two weeks left.

A numbness grabbed my hands and arms. Buzzing blotted out part of her words. I told her about Calvin's son in Berln. She suggested I call him immediately. I did. Somehow he got here in twenty hours and stayed by his dad's side for a week until he passed. Then he stayed on to make sure I was okay. What a wonderful step-son; so much like his father.

Calvin died here in our living room in a hospital bed. He'd been able to say a few words. "I...love...you" was haltingly whispered. "Home" and "Die" were more forceful. I promised him I'd arrange it. He was here for three days when his heart gave out. I was holding his hand and Kelly was stroking his forehead as we both sent him off with words of love.

Yesterday would have been our 15rh anniversary.

We had a great love, a special gift of time together. Now, I've entered a new phase. I wasn't ready, but then no one ever is. We just keep on living as we cry and mourn and get lost in all the sweet remembrances of times past, never to return again.

I'm not writing. I can't even think about it. This post is the first thing I've written in a month. Even if my mind was in the creative state, there's so much to do. And I only seem to have the energy to complete a couple things a day. Today will be the Social Security Office.

The world keeps spinning. Life goes on around us. Birds chirp and flowers bloom. My garage roof is fixed from the tornado. And I have stumbled into a new phase of my life. Even so, I still whisper the last thing Calvin and I said to each other at night before I go to sleep...

 

13 comments:

Alicia Dean said...

Oh Vonnie, so beautiful and poignant. Words cannot express how sorry I am that you lost Calvin. He was such an amazing man and you two had such an amazing love. I hope you'll find comfort in the precious memories. Love and hugs.

Vonnie Davis said...

Thank you, Alicia. Sometimes words fail us, even those of us who love words.

Brenda Whiteside said...

Oh Vonnie, so many times you've started my day with a chuckle when I've read your posts. Today, I'm crying. Your words are lovely and sad. I'm glad you had the years you had together. I know your heart will ache forever, but your humor will serve you well, and you have such wonderful people in your life for support.

Jannine Gallant said...

I'm crying over my coffee. You've been in my thoughts. I don't know what to say other than I hope time begins to heal your heart. As for the writing, maybe when you're ready, you'll find a refuge with your characters and their stories.

Margo Hoornstra said...

I’m crying for, and with you too, Vonnie. Even with the heartache and pain, you were able to provide us with a loving and beautiful post. As Calvin was lucky to have you in his life, we are fortunate as well. You’ll know when it’s time for you to write again. Take care...beyond that, words fail me.

Alison Henderson said...

OG and I have felt privileged to know Calvin, through you, for the past several years, and our hearts go out to you as you try to figure out a way to navigate your loss. I'm so glad you had Kelly for support when you needed him most. Please know that your writing sisters are always here for you, too.

Rolynn Anderson said...

Yup, another crier here. We Roses know and love Calvin through your words, Vonnie. And thank you for using words to describe your last days with Calvin and his son. May words and your precious memories of Calvin give you solace. One task a day is plenty. Love and hugs to you and your family..

Angela Adams said...

Oh, Vonnie, I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. Hold on tight to those pleasant memories...they'll help you smile when you feel a pinch of grief.

Andrea Downing said...

Vonnie, the power of your words has obviously moved all of us--another crier here. I hope you'll go on to just know what a great gift those fifteen years were, cherish them, and move on one step at a time.

Leah St. James said...

Ditto here. I never had the privilege of meeting Calvin, but I felt like I knew him, just a bit, from the many stories you shared of your life together. Even in those funny moments (or maybe especially in those moments), your love for each other was so evident. I mourn for you and your whole family, and I pray for your peace and comfort in the days and weeks ahead.

Diane Burton said...

Like the others, I felt like I knew Cal through you. He must have been a wonderful man. He made you happy. He made you laugh. Between the two of you, you made us laugh. Now we cry with you in your loss and rejoice with you that he is at peace. Hugs.

Liz Flaherty said...

Like others have said, I feel as if I know Calvin through you, and you through your writing. Thanks for sharing and becoming such friends. I am so sorry for your loss, but what a bunch of memories you have to take out when you need them.

RE Mullins said...

He's always there in your heart.Bless you.