Widowhood came too fast. Like the tornado that tore through our town and neighborhood, it shook me to my core. There'd been signs. Calvin growing weaker and insistent I'd be okay financially, but I refused to accept he was simply growing tired. I honestly think he knew.
A heart attack followed by a stroke and then a smaller heart attack kept him in the hospital for two weeks. Finally the doctor took me aside and laid it all out. Calvin's heart was operating at 10%. He couldn't walk or talk. She was putting him on Hospice and estimated he had two weeks left.
A numbness grabbed my hands and arms. Buzzing blotted out part of her words. I told her about Calvin's son in Berln. She suggested I call him immediately. I did. Somehow he got here in twenty hours and stayed by his dad's side for a week until he passed. Then he stayed on to make sure I was okay. What a wonderful step-son; so much like his father.
Calvin died here in our living room in a hospital bed. He'd been able to say a few words. "I...love...you" was haltingly whispered. "Home" and "Die" were more forceful. I promised him I'd arrange it. He was here for three days when his heart gave out. I was holding his hand and Kelly was stroking his forehead as we both sent him off with words of love.
Yesterday would have been our 15rh anniversary.
We had a great love, a special gift of time together. Now, I've entered a new phase. I wasn't ready, but then no one ever is. We just keep on living as we cry and mourn and get lost in all the sweet remembrances of times past, never to return again.
I'm not writing. I can't even think about it. This post is the first thing I've written in a month. Even if my mind was in the creative state, there's so much to do. And I only seem to have the energy to complete a couple things a day. Today will be the Social Security Office.
The world keeps spinning. Life goes on around us. Birds chirp and flowers bloom. My garage roof is fixed from the tornado. And I have stumbled into a new phase of my life. Even so, I still whisper the last thing Calvin and I said to each other at night before I go to sleep...