I have been divorced for
twenty years. I have lived alone several of those years, once my kids were grown.
I love it. I love being by myself. Love sleeping by myself. I love it that,
when I put scotch tape or scissors in a drawer, they are there when I go back
to get them.
On March 1st
of this year, all of that changed. My 30 year old daughter moved in with me,
temporarily, until she gets some things taken care of. Wow…have things changed.
I love my daughter dearly, but not only would I have difficulty living with
anyone at this stage in my life, she’s a bit challenging as a roommate. She
tries, or so she says, but she just doesn’t think things through. She is
absent-minded and while she’s very considerate on one hand, she’s a bit
self-centered on the other. Some of the little annoyances are minor, but when
you add them all up, and it’s daily… Sigh…
Oh, you want examples?
- She never, ever replaces bottled water in the fridge, so oftentimes, there are no cold ones when I go to grab one.
- She constantly borrows my things without permission, and she lost one of the earrings in my favorite pair. She eventually found it, but not until after several weeks and much goading and reminding and bitching on my part.
- Just recently--after a handful of times I attempted to charge my Kindle, only to discover the charger not in its place--I told her, “Absolutely, do NOT use my Kindle charger again, unless you plug your Kindle into it IN THAT VERY SPOT.” The NEXT day, I went to plug in my Kindle, and the charger was gone. I marched into her bedroom, where she was asleep, but was using my charger to charge her Kindle. She sleepily, crabbily, reluctantly unplugged it and gave it back to me.
- I can only find one of the beaters to my hand mixer. (And she’s never even used it)
- She used my kitchen scissors to trim her dog’s hair.
- I use Keurig coffee, and the pods are a bit costly, but it’s worth it, because I love it and I only drink two cups per day. She is now using the coffee too, and of course, I don’t mind. HOWEVER, she only drinks flavored creamer, and I do not drink it, so I don’t always remember to buy it. On several occasions, she has made a cup of Keurig, then discovered we didn’t have flavored creamer, and poured out the coffee, thereby wasting, a perfectly good, perfectly expensive Keurig pod. Speaking of creamer, twice in the last few weeks, I have come home to find a nearly full, large bottle of flavored creamer left out of the fridge all day, and therefore, had to throw it away.
- I have begun having meals from Home Chef delivered once a week. (It is AWESOME, by the way. So handy. All the ingredients and the recipes come right to your door). A few days ago, my daughter came home from work after I’d gone to bed and decided to make one of the meals. I woke up to a godawful mess in the kitchen, but that’s neither here nor there. She cooked another of the meals yesterday while I was at work. Last night, I was going to cook the two remaining meals. However, my daughter had ruined that option. 1) The dish she made a few nights ago was the ‘pork’ recipe. As it turned out, she’d used the steak instead, so I had no steak for the recipe I was going to cook last night. It wouldn’t have been so bad, had the pork been chops, but it was loin, which doesn’t replace steak all that well. And, these recipes are tailored to where the ingredients go together nicely. 2) I was also going to make the chicken dish, but she’d used BOTH packages of chicken in the recipe she made earlier that day.
- AND…she’d left another mess in the kitchen.
- AND…the freezer door was standing open.
- AND…I couldn’t find the olive oil because it was in a different cabinet. (Not a big deal, but I just have to wonder, why wouldn’t you just put it back in the cabinet where you’d found it?)
- AND…she’d left a few plates of food on the stove, loosely covered, even though we’ve had an ant problem this summer. She covered them with paper plates. Instead of ‘a’ paper plate, for some unknown reason, she’d used a stack of approximately 5 paper plates over each.
Okay, so…I know this
just sounds like a bitch session about my daughter, who, did I mention, I love dearly? I’m just wondering, for those of you who live with others...
Especially Donna, whose husband, grown kids, and parents live with her…how do
you do it???
21 comments:
Ohhhhh Alicia, do I feel for you! I, too, have been divorced for 20 years--my motto has been 'it's easy to be selfish.' We do so get in the habit of...well, our own habits. I, too have a daughter, 32, luckily living on her own with her fiance but, for instance, this week we have been at a wedding in London and sharing a rented flat as he was unable to come. Just for starters, her suitcase was emptied in the living room and her things spread out on the sofa, even though she has her own bedroom here. She now has her laundry drying on various chairs around the flat. I have to say, I always wonder, who brought up this child?
I feel for you, Alicia. If I'd been alone as long as you, I would have a hard time adjusting. As it is, I have Hubs putting things where they don't belong, etc. I've yet to convince him to recycle. I'm forever taking things out of the trash & putting them in the recycling container right next to the trash container. Maybe the 2 of you need to sit down and explain the "rules" of the house, what each of you do, what's expected--and write it down & post it somewhere visible, like on the refrigerator.
I'm cringing about your problem, Alicia, because I don't know what I'd do if my husband was a slob. I'm the cook in the family, so if anything's awry in the kitchen, it's my error. But he is even better at picking up and putting things in their own places than I am. I have to force myself to be tidy, because I like the effect. About his workshop, he is finicky and always says I mess up his pristine order by not replacing a screwdriver in its right place-for instance. But we didn't have kids, so we are so spoiled...everything is truly where it's supposed to be...unless we forgot :-)
I have my college-age child home for the summer, so it's now three slobs in the kitchen against one--me. I go to work at 5am, leaving a pristine kitchen. I come home after 1pm and find all the breakfast and lunch preparation dishes on the counter. So, I grit my teeth and clean since I can't stand looking at that mess. Then once a week I explode, and everyone looks at me like I've lost my mind. But, hey, my husband washes his oatmeal pan for a couple of days, and the girls put a few glasses in the dishwasher... However, the effect is short-lived. Doesn't matter how old a child is, they apparently think Mom is there to pick up after them. I feel your pain! Maybe you should take out a loan to get her into her own place. It might be worth it! Or just change the locks on the doors... LOL
I know the love vs. "they drive me crazy" syndrome. The farm experiment was four then five all under one roof with me being the only one who cared about organization and taking care of possessions. We all learned a great deal about ourselves and each other. And our love wasn't changed. But we know, we wouldn't do it again in such close quarters. Now, I deal with only a messy husband and that's crazy enough. I hope she finds a way to get on her own soon and preserve you sanity.
Andrea, LOL. Yes, you DO really get me. Temporarily is one thing, but long-term...yikes!
Diane, you wouldn't BELIEVE the talks and lists that have taken place. Most of the time, she's apologetic and says she'll try. Sometimes, she just acts like I'm a nag. And I feel like one. :)
Rolynn, sounds like a great arrangement. I'm not exactly a neat freak, and my daughter does do some chores around the house, it's just when she messes with my organized chaos and/or my stuff and wastes and .... well, you know.
Haha, Jannine. Wow, that would be frustrating. Yeah, when we reach the breaking point, they act like WE'RE the problem. :) I'm afraid it's not as simple as getting her a place of her own. She also has a suspended license and I'm determined that she get that reinstated before she moves out. And, I'm determined that she learn how to live on her own and take care of herself too, although I might be biting off more than I can chew. She still asks me to wake her in the mornings. She forgets things and calls and asks me to leave work and bring them to her at her job. Maybe I should quit doing all of that so she WILL learn to take care of herself... Hmmm....
Exactly, Brenda. I love her just as much as ever, but my oh my, it's a challenge to live with her. She has good intentions, she really does, she's just a bit helpless at times. My other two kids are not that way. Don't know what happened. (God, I'm glad she doesn't read my blog posts, LOL).
I've always told our kids the best gift they've ever given us is never moving back home. My husband and I have been sharing the house and our bad habits for 45 years so most of them don't even bother me. I will admit that I have an office/sewing room separate from the house that is wonderful for the relationship.
I hope your daughter gets her life back soon and that all is happy for you both.
Oh my goodness, having raised four children - two of each gender - I certainly feel your pain. Though empty nesters now, we've had various kids - some with spouses - move back in temporarily. Operative word, temporarily. While, as Brenda says, living so closely together doesn't change the love, it sure does change one's perspective about each other. Finding things in the places where you've left them? What a luxury. As I always say about the kids and grandkids."Love to see them come, love to see them go!" Living with the ups and downs of a spouse for nearly fifty years now is plenty enough of an adventure for me.
It's just my husband and I at my house (and the furbabies), and we're excellent roommates. We both like things neat and tidy, and we're experts about giving each other our own space. We have our assigned household jobs so there really is no need to nag anyone to do anything. We did have a family member stay with us once. Note the word "ONCE." Yeah, so...
OG and I have been most empty nesters since our daughter left for college twelve years ago, and we are a well-oiled machine. OG was well-trained when I got him, and we are both quite neat by nature, so the house is never messy. When our daughter comes for her semi-annual visits, chaos descends. At least she confines the clothes all over the floor and dirty dishes to her own room. But as you said, I love her dearly and can happily ignore the mess for a week. However, if she decided to move home for a while, OG would probably move into his shed.
I don't have children, but I have had some roommates who sound suspiciously like your daughter. She hasn't stolen your boyfriend, has she? LOL I think you found the answer when you responded to Jannine. Stop being her gofer/doormat. Mothers always want to help their kids--my 90 year old mom still acts as if I'm a teen sometimes--but that mom impulse is behavior under your control. She's acting like you're the problem because she knows she's in the wrong! Your house, your rules. Easy for me to say, right?
My hubs of many years and I have learned how to co-exist rather well. We love having the kids and grands visit, but when they do...I feel things spin completely out of my control--many incidents similar to Alicia's. Refrigerator door left open; freezer door left open so long it began to chug like a steam engine and we very nearly lost a freezer-ful of food; kitchen constantly piled up with extra implements, foods, containers, etc. children who don't understand that coming in from the lake dripping wet (on the wood floors) makes for a huge mess---well you get the picture. We love 'em but we also sigh with relief when their visit ends. Thanks for a post we can identify with, for sure!
When my kids left for college I knew I was about to find out whether they were the messy ones or I was. After twenty years I wasn't sure. My daughter Hannah paid us a visit the other day and said, "Wow. It's really clean in here." I couldn't resist. "This is what it looks like when people do put their stuff away." My oldest daughter also lost her license and is absentminded where two of mine are super on the ball. Is your daughter creative? I blame some of the flakiness on creativity (both mine and my daughter's). You know, absentminded professor and all that. That's right. I'm too much of a genius to remember things and my talent is wasted cleaning! :)
Thanks, Liz. Yes, I'm sure having your own little getaway spot is very helpful. :)
Ha, Margo. Yes, it's an adventure when adult kids move back home. It was a challenge dealing with my spouse, too, but then, we weren't meant to be, so I couldn't tolerate things as easily as folks who are really in love and happy to be together. Yeah, after nearly half a century, you gotta just learn to deal.
Christine, wow, I'm in awe! It sounds like you have the perfect situation. LOL, yeah, I noted the ONCE. :)
Alison, yes, a visit is quite different from a long-term 'temporary' arrangement. She does try, though, sometimes... :)
LMAO, Ashantay. Nope, she hasn't stolen a boyfriend. Of course, I don't have one for her to steal, so... :) Right, my house, my rules. She understands that, she just breaks them a lot. LOL. I do need to stop enabling her neediness.
Yes, Susan. It seems many can identify with me. You can love someone and not want to live with them, right? :) I understand that I'm kind of picky. Certain things bother me that wouldn't bother most people, and my kids were used to that growing up. (Not the neat-freak thing, let me reiterate, I'm not a neat-freak, but things like taking food or beverages into the bathroom (yuck), and leaving shoes in the middle of the floor for me to trip over). But I truly believe my complaints with her are justified. LOL
Hi M.J. - Love that! You had to wait until they left to see who were the messy ones. :) Uhm, no, my daughter is not creative...although, she DOES fabricate a LOT. The problem is, she's not writing fiction. She really wants me to believe what she tells me. YES...that's my problem. My genius gets in the way of mundane things like cleaning and stuff. Haha.
I'm single myself, and over a decade ago, I moved into my parents house--they were getting older, and needed more help, and I had health problems that had begun to make living alone difficult.
It's a definite trial sometimes! My mother and I tend to butt heads a lot, and it drives my father mad! They're both a little hard of hearing, so their television is VERY loud, and they shout over it to talk to each other. I live in the basement apartment, and I can hear it down here. It's not a big house, so there's very few ways to have any privacy. They're retired and I work from home, so many times I have to go to a fast food joint or the library to write.
BUT none of us would be able to live the way we do without each other. I'm staring down the barrel of my second major abdominal surgery next year. I can't imagine how I would make it through, physically or emotionally, if it weren't for my folks.
Which is not to say that I don't miss living alone with a cat or two, because WOW do I! LOL
Heather Fowler
Makes my empty nest seem suddenly fuller...LOL!
Oh my gosh...I wish I had been able to read this yesterday! I have to come back and read the comments. So true. So funny. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences, Alicia. I feel better. :-)
Wow, H.A. I can see how the situation would be trying at times, but I'm so glad you're there for each other. You poor thing! Best of luck on your surgery.
LOL, Elizabeth. I guess so. :)
Leah, ha, I guess it's better to laugh than cry. :) I'm so glad I could make you feel better! The comments are pretty interesting, you don't want to miss them. Thanks for stopping by!
My husband is a slob. Much worse since is battle with illness this past winter. It's partly my fault for babying him for months. Now I have to dig in my heels and tell him to pick up after himself. he gives me this wide-eyed stare and then proceeds to list all the things he does for me. Believe me, there's nothing there does that isn't for himself first.
Aw. weel. I have no advice for you. She'll move out and life will get back to normal.
Aw, I sympathize, Barbara. Wow, don't you love it when they throw things in your face? Hang in there...and thanks. Yes, hopefully, she'll be on her own soon. I want it for her as much as for me. She has to stop being so needy and dependent.
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