If
you’ve ever watched ‘Project Runway’ you will know that the most biting
criticism Michael Kors can make of a design is that it’s ‘sooooo Mother of the
Bride.’
Being
Mother of the Bride entails almost as much beauty and dress consideration as
that of the bride—there’s the same rush to lose weight or keep weight down, the
same discussions with a hairdresser and/or make-up artist, and the same madness
concerning what-to-wear, only there’s no bridal salon to help.
I
lost some weight, but not much.
Medication for AFib and blood pressure has got my metabolism going
backwards while age has got my flesh sagging southwards. I envisage myself looking one way and find
something totally different in the mirror, much to my disgust. With time at a premium, dress after dress
arrived from every department store imaginable and was just as swiftly returned
to them, with such speed it sent my credit card swirling.
A visit to Saks found me the most gorgeous
dress in which I felt like a princess, looked like a million, and fainted
at the $8,000 price tag. An overconfident salesperson? What would I be
paying for? It was just a floor-length,
shirt-waist dress that the designer had
manufactured in a rather nice silk.
 |
| The $8,000 dress I WON'T be wearing! |
Cristal
and I set aside another evening, after she got off work, to go look again, this
time starting at Bergdorf’s. It was a
disaster. While a dear friend had
suggested I book personal shopping, personal shopping had lost my booking and
handed me over to a gentleman salesperson who knew nothing about me, despite
the lengthy info sheet I had completed.
After trying several dresses, we headed off to what we believed was our
last chance, a small boutique specializing in evening wear.
Nothing
appeals to me much less than pulling off layer upon layer of winter clothing to
slip into the silken folds of some evening dress that makes me look like Miss
Piggy the day she danced with Nureyev, even if the dress was designed by the
same Italian who did my daughter’s beautiful wedding gown. After about four dresses were discarded and handed
out through the curtain to our nervous salesperson, I finally slipped on a dark
blue dress, off the shoulder, with a low back, and very slimming. Cristal zipped up the
back. Bingo! I looked fantastic. I stepped out of the dressing room—and was
told the dress was on backwards. A
wraparound belt hides the front zip.
Wonderful! What better! It will save me the indignity of having to
ask the doorman to unzip my dress in the back at two o’clock in the morning. No, it isn’t off the shoulder nor low in the back, but the cowl
collar suits me and I was set to go. And it sure as heck didn’t cost Eight
Grand.
While
my daughter has been a major domo, working to both save the world and save the
wedding, I’ve stood by aghast at the ideas that have flowed past me. Place settings, transportation up to the
Botanical Gardens where the wedding is being held, a bilingual website with all the
information and for easy R.S.V.P.ing, gift bags, ballet shoes so the ladies can kick off their heels to dance, hairdresser, and make-up. And spray tan.
Spray
tan?
What
a super idea. I have such white, pasty
skin I was immediately game for this innovation. My niece did this prior to her wedding and
looked fabulous—immaculate. We decided both Cristal and I would go for a trial run
at the same place as my niece. I tell you now I have never before had spray tan. I had used tanning beds ages ago before beach
holidays, but never had the color sprayed onto me. I may have even tried the stuff that comes
out of a bottle and leaves your bathroom a wreck but spray tan, not on your nelly.
Let
me sum it up by saying nothing is more humiliating than standing stark naked except
for a paper diaper and a plastic shower cap while some stranger sprays what
looks like liquid poo-poo at you.
Still,
the only disaster thus far in the proceedings is that Cristal’s hairdresser has
family problems and won’t be able to do her hair. He is, however, training a replacement. If that’s all that goes wrong. . . .
And
should Carolina Herrera wish to make a donation of her evening dress, she can
find me at http://andreadowning.com
