Monday, October 8, 2018

The Woe of a Woman Traveler—and Writer By Andrea Downing


I’ve had several road trips and other vacations with my darling daughter and one thing we’ve found along the way is that women travelers are not treated particularly well.  On one road trip we were increasingly upset by the fact we seemed to be invisible, as if some magic spell had been cast on us.  Servers ignored us constantly and things came to a head in Santa Fe, NM.  We had a reservation at what was supposedly an excellent restaurant with good reviews; it sounded particularly interesting because an art gallery was attached and I love looking at paintings—and, on occasion, buying them.  When we got to the restaurant we were told our table wasn’t quite ready and maybe we would like to walk around the gallery.  I could see almost immediately that the art there wasn’t our thing.  The gallery was arranged so that you walked through from one end back to the reception desk.  At that point, I was asked if there was anything I was interested in purchasing.  My negative reply, as sweetly put as it was, was greeted with disgruntlement, and we were shown to our table…and there we sat.  Dinner took over two hours, we closed the place down, and were completely ignored on departure despite the fact staff were gathered in the entry. Somehow we doubted that treatment would have been applied to men.
 This episode brought things to a head for us.  Nursing our aggravation, we put our woes to the female bartender at our hotel. ‘It’s because they think you won’t tip well,’ she informed us. ‘Women on their own don’t tip as well as men.’ Okkkk, but in actual fact, despite the lousy service I foolishly left a good tip.  Won’t do that again!  I’ve learned my lesson. But then, you see, it becomes self-perpetuating.  They think women are lousy tippers, give bad service and….  You get my point.
  Now my daughter is married and I venture off, on occasion, alone. Since I’m that much older, I seem to get help more often and even have the odd waiter (odd indeed) flirting with me—maybe in search of that better tip.  But I’ve also come across a new problem of the solitary woman traveler.  Last week I had to sleep with the lights on as mice ran around my lovely national park cabin.  I saw at least two, high speed little critters they were.  I figure a man would most likely have just gone back to sleep.
The difference between men and women has been playing out in the news as never before, but as romance writers we’re faced with it even as our fingers hit the keyboard.  While I’d like to think men were reading romance in numbers equal to women, it’s doubtful.  And then there’s even a genre called ‘Women’s Lit.’  I don’t see one called ‘Men’s Lit.’  Mysteries and thrillers? Westerns?  All right, I get it. Shelving in bookstores or divisions in the internet stores.  
What would we call Women’s Lit. if we took the woman out of it? and why should servers think women are lousy tippers?

As I leave these questions float out in the ether of cyberspace, let me also bring your attention to the  paranormal of From the Files of Nat Tremayne:  Two Tales of Hauntings in the Old West. If you’re looking forward to Halloween as I am, float on over to https://www.amazon.com/Files-Nat-Tremayne-Tales-Hauntings-ebook/dp/B0767HWT6S/ for a spooky read.

The Wild West gets even wilder when Nat Tremayne sends out his agents from Psychic Specters Investigations offices in St. Louis and Denver. Across country and across time, these agents will stop at nothing to unravel the mysteries that beset poor unsuspecting ranchers and cowboys who have no idea what they’re seeing . . .or not, as the case may be.
In The Ghost and The Bridegroom, P.S.I. Agent Healy Harrison is sent to Tucson to rid a rancher of the ghost in the bedroom interfering in his marriage to a mail-order bride. Healy doesn’t think she’s destined for romance—until she meets Pinkerton detective Aaron Turrell. But when their two cases dovetail, will their newfound love survive the ultimate showdown the between mortal and immortal.
In Long A Ghost and Far Away, agent Dudley Worksop aims to unravel the mystery of Colby Gates’ dead wife. Lizzie not only seems to have reappeared as a ghost, but has time traveled from 2016 to the 1800s. Can revenge be had for her murder? And can the couple be reunited across country and across time?


18 comments:

Diane Burton said...

I feel bad that you were treated so poorly. I've heard that statement (about women being lousy tippers) before. As you say, self-perpetuating. I've been out to lunch & dinner with girlfriends and never been treated like that. In today's climate of women being treated differently, one reporter declared "Believe Women" should be a motto. I thought we'd advanced further in our quest for equality. Seems like we're going backward.

Diane Burton said...

One more thing. Speak up. At a restaurant where you're being treated rudely, ask to speak to the "front of the house manager". Explain what's happening. If they value patronage, you should be treated better. Also, leave a review on Yelp. Maybe attitudes will change.

Jannine Gallant said...

Having been a server back in my youth, I tip well. It doesn't matter if I'm with my husband or alone. And, yes, I pay the bill. Half the time he doesn't remember to bring his wallet into the restaurant, and we have the same credit card account. But they always set the bill by him. Stereotypes that people can't seem to get past. However, I've never noticed bad service when I'm eating out with just women. Maybe California is different. There might be something to perceptions in different parts of the country. Also, I found some elderly people were still stuck in their youth and hadn't realized that the days of 10% or 15% tips are long gone. Others were up to speed or quite generous. Smart servers shouldn't make assumptions based on gender or age! The Nat Tremayne books sound like terrific Halloween reads!

Vonnie Davis said...

I hate that you were treated like that. If I'm being ignored I bring out the "mother voice." I point, rude as that may be and loudly say, "Young lady/or man" as if I were about to admonish them for something. And I have...as recently as yesterday in the Charlotte airport when a snippy young agent told me to sit down...my flight wasn't ready to board yet. "Excuse me? Is this how you treat all your customers?" I leaned in and focused weary old eyes on her name badge before repeating it. "I'm not here to board. I'm here to get a seat assignment. There's none printed on my ticket. And don't think for a minute your rude, self-important attitude will fly with me." She tossed down more attitude and I laughed in her face. "Little girl, you need to get a grip. Not all Seniors will put up with verbal abuse." By that time I had an audience and she knew it. Her supervisor gave me a $600. voucher good for a year to shut me up. I'm rarely vocal or demanding, but don't push me. LOL

Brenda Whiteside said...

My son and daughter-in-law spent many years in the server industry. Bad tipping by elders was a definite problem. I didn't hear them complain about women tipping, but I have heard that saying. My husband was on the road for many years and what he found was because he was alone they'd stick him back in a corner. He hated that. But he got where he spoke up, as Vonnie suggests. Vonnie you crack me up. One thing my husband says if he is treated rudely or encounters a grumpy sales clerk "I hope you have the day you deserve."

Rolynn Anderson said...

Yay, Vonnie! That's the way to lean in, woman. I shudder thinking of the day when servers will not see me because I look like any senior. If only service people would think of women as daughters, wives, mothers instead of customers who may or may not tip well. I tip better than my husband does, but I at least have him giving 20% these days. I have to say, snippy service people have been rare in my experience...I've been very lucky!

Alison Henderson said...

Andi, I would have been boiling, too. I have to say, I've never had that experience when I'm out with my daughter. Maybe I look like a big tipper, and actually, I am. I've never been a server, but I always tip generously--deserved or not--for precisely that reason. Right now, I'm involved in a significant dispute with Pottery Barn over some extraordinarily bad customer service, although I don't think it's because I'm a woman. Whenever my daughter or I manage to reach someone, they promise the moon and never deliver. Then they just ignore future communications. If I could deal with one of them face-to-face, I'd go all Vonnie on them!

Andrea Downing said...

Diane, I have to say things have improved slightly since that particular incident but I'm wondering if it's because I'm now considered an elderly woman traveling alone! I don't dine out except for maybe lunch or breakfast alone either, and I'd think that makes something of a difference. Still, the feeling is I'm not worth as good a table as a twosome!

Andrea Downing said...

Oh, yes, the review on Yelp--we have done that. In fact, in one restaurant in NYC our treatment was so poor we just sat there describing on Yelp what was happening in a sort of blow by blow review! LOL

Andrea Downing said...

Janinne, just to clarify, I live most of the year in NYC and we tip 20%. I don't consider myself one of these fussy patrons who ask for this and that change to be made, though occasionally I'll ask for dressing on the side! As for the bill/check, it seems now most servers don't take a chance with who's paying and put it in the middle of the table! But as you say, the whole caboodle probably differs from one area of the country to the next.

Andrea Downing said...

Wow, Vonnie, I'm impressed!! And motivated! I'm not sure I'd have the nerve. Usually I remain overly polite along the lines of, "Excuse me, but I've been sitting here for 15 minutes...." Maybe I should try the bolder method?!

Andrea Downing said...

Brenda, I'll have to remember that line. And, yes, I have been stuck at a bad table for being alone. The stupid thing is that a single is put at a table for 2 so what difference does it make whether two get a good table or the single. Sometimes I don't mind and actually ask for a corner so I can get out my reading material and be ignored by other patrons.

Andrea Downing said...

Rolynn, you are lucky then. I have a good friend, British, with whom I go out and she tips terribly. In the UK it's 10-12% anyway but she won't budge when she's over here. She claims it's an American invention and why should she pay the wages their employers should be paying. In some ways she may be right I guess.

Andrea Downing said...

Alison, good luck with Pottery Barn. I find now if I have trouble with Customer Relations of a firm I always ask for the name of the person I've dealt with (and write it down) and that seems to help because they feel you may go back and blame them. If it takes more than 2 calls to get sorted, start asking to speak to a supervisor and be insistent--and get her name, too! If none of this works, deal with the dispute through your cc company assuming you've used one. CC companies are more than willing to sort matters I've found.

Leah St. James said...

Hi, Andi - The type of service you and your daughter experienced would make me boiling made. Luckly, I have never noticed any different treatment, but then I'm fairly oblivious most of the time. I'm usually just so happy to be out, I don't pay attention! :-) And I've never heard that women are poor tippers either. I'm the big tipper in our family. (Elderly, yes. When we used to eat out with my father-in-law, I'd excuse myself as we were heading out the door and run back to the table to leave extra cash!) The books sound like great Halloween reads!

BTW, Vonnie -- You go! I'll bet if anyone got you on video it would go viral!

Margo Hoornstra said...

There’s never an excuse for shabby service. I worked as both a server and hostess when I was in college. One night a waitress came to me all irate because I had, unintentionally, seated all women in her station and she wasn’t expecting much from them. As a server, I found men could be lousy tippers too. It varies whether it’s my husband or me who settles up the bill, but invariably said bill will be set in front of him. I’m like Vonnie, sitting down and shutting up is just not a part of my DNA. It’s all about self esteem. Either you have it or you don’t.

Andrea Downing said...

Leah, I've been so glad to hear y'alls comments here that few of you have experienced this shabby service. I don't know what it is about me!

Andrea Downing said...

Margo, a friend of mine who was a server at a resort said she could never tell who'd be a good tipper or not. She would serve tables of guests throughout their stay at the resort and sometimes people were abrupt with her but left good tips, and other times she recalls having a chatty week with some guests who left nothing! There's no telling I guess but some servers make the assumption anyway it seems.