The In-Law Name Game ~ by Leah St. James

This morning when I walked into my kitchen, half asleep and groping for my tea kettle, I passed by the calendar and noticed something that slapped the sleep from my eyes and froze me in place. IT’S FEBRUARY!

Okay, okay, I know it’s February, as in the month that comes between January and March, but I just realized it’s FEBRUARY, as in a mere five months before my baby, my younger son (Son No. 2 – in birth order only! – is how I usually refer to him) marries his high school sweetheart! 

And you know what that means. In five short months, I’ll go from being someone’s boyfriend’s mother to being someone’s MOTHER-IN-LAW.

Could be there a more maligned title/position in our culture than the mother-in-law? Anyone remember Rodney Dangerfield’s famous “Take my mother-in-law...please?

Here’s a clip from Jeff Foxworthy titled “The Mother-in-Law Joke” as if no more explanation is needed. 

I love how after the punch line he says, “It ain’t right but you laughed at it!”

Then there was the famous “MONSTER-In-Law” movie with Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez.

 

Enough said. 

It’s not bad enough that when scriptwriters want to turn on the waterworks they kill the mother. (If you haven’t noticed, trust me, it’s always the mother.) Conversely, writers can rely on a cheap laugh by making any undead mother an in-law.

Thankfully, I have a great relationship with my future daughter-in-law.  (For purposes of this blog, I’ll call her Sally.) Sally and Son No. 2 have been together since high school. So what I had to find out they were dating from a friend who saw the two of them holding hands at the town’s annual fair. That’s his fault, not hers. He was probably worried I’d start grilling her like a cheese sandwich. He was wrong. I have much more subtle means of ferreting out the information I want.

Anyway, she and I bake cookies together, go to movies together, and I even went wedding gown shopping with her and her mom. (I was so honored to be included...truly. And yes, I cried when she said yes to the dress.) I love her and honestly look at her as the daughter I never had. (How lucky am I?)

But there is one troubling aspect of my soon-to-be in-law status: My name, or title. 

Up until that point Sally had always called me “Mrs.,” despite my repeated pleas for her to “just call me Leah.” When he popped the question, however, she figured it was time to take the next step and address me by something that doesn’t make me sound like her second grade teacher. 

And “just my name” made sense.  Right? I knew she would never feel comfortable calling me “Mom” (and her mother, understandably, would be less than keen on it). 

The first time she called me “Leah” it was kind of weird, for both of us, but we knew it would become easier with time and practice. She is still calling my husband “Mr.” but I can’t worry about him now. I have bigger issues. Something happened over Christmas as we exchanged gifts across the greater family landscape. 

Sally, my future daughter-in-law, who will call me just Leah, addressed my sister as “Aunt....”

Huh. My sister is a beloved aunt but I’m just plain old no-title “Leah”? 

I understand why the aunt bit. My sister is a wonderful person—loving and kind and tons of fun. Also, I realize aunt is more of a generic title than “mother,” often reserved for close friends you want to incorporate into more of a family role.

But still...I’m the MOTHER of her future husband, for crying out loud. I introduced her to cookie baking and taught her our cherished family recipes. Can’t I get a bit of an elevation here, more than just my name, something that denotes a real family relationship? Can’t I get a freakin’ title?

After I got over the shock, I started researching alternatives to “Mom” and “Leah.” 

“Ma” felt so wrong. First of all, it’s what I (reluctantly) called my mother-in-law because that’s what my hubby called her. From him it sounded loving and right; from me it sounded like I time-traveled to the middle The Grapes of Wrath country.

“Mother” is too formal. “Mother Leah” is even worse. As one friend told me, “You sound like Mother Superior.”  “Mama Leah” sounds like a kosher pizza...and so on and so on.

Still, I was determined and started venting my dilemma to everyone who would listen, until I found it—a good alternative to “Mom” that would make me feel like I was part of Sally’s family. I got this from a friend who is German (really German...from Germany):  Mutti (pronounced mooti) is a German word for Mom or Mommy.

How perfect! I thought. I’m of German descent. Sally is part Indian (as in Asian Indian) and the word kind of sounds Indian...at least the way my German friend pronounced it. 

Armed with my find, I texted my son to feel him out. “Say, uh...how would Sally like to call me Mutti instead of Leah?” I explained the roots of the word, adding that I know Sally is uncomfortable with just Leah. After about five minutes, he got back to me, so I know he was conferring with her. The response? “That’s okay, Mom. She’s fine with Leah.” 

I have to admit I was a bit hurt. But when I asked him why she calls my sister “Aunt,” my hurt disappeared. He explained that Sally doesn’t have a good relationship with her real aunts, and having an aunt she can love makes her feel better.

Hey, I can’t argue with that. I think that’s sweet and I’m happy to share my wonderful sister with her. As for me, just call me Leah.

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Leah writes stories of mystery and romance, good and evil, and the power of love. She loves Facebook visitors where she often posts about her son's kitten Hercules. She blogs here on the 6th and 22nd of each month.