All of us swear when we write blurbs. Some of us have blurbs thrust upon us by publishers (and commence swearing at first sight). We indies get to swear at ourselves for every wooden phrase or hackneyed term. Since we're all trying to use the same keywords, it's no surprise our teasers sound alike. After we place the polished blurb on the back of the book, we're still growling and groaning over this or that word choice.
I come begging for feedback on the blurb below. Many of you read my Christmas short story about Sable and Carter, so you have more insight about FIRE IS NICE than anyone else I know. So have at this draft...even if you just tell me the phrase/idea you like and/or the phrase/idea you don't like. My skin is thick and I need your objectivity. Thanks!
Giant redwoods crave
a scorching forest fire to release their seeds. What kind of heat will smoke
poachers out of Sequoia National Park?
***
Criminals are stealing 11,000 year old animal bones from the
caves of Sequoia. Ranger Sable Chisholm, assigned to collar the thieves, brings along her donkey and pig. Sable is a former L.A. Agent, recovering from a brain injury, which took away fear
but intensified her other emotions. Ranger
Carter Glass, devoted to applying logic and statistics to park problems, is
Sable’s reluctant partner in crime-solving.
Then the bone-robbers start shooting rangers, deepening the
mystery and pushing the stakes sky-high.
If Sable can’t control her fearlessness to team with Carter,
her career is over.
For the ancient Sequoia tree, fire is nice, but Sable’s
fiery personality could reduce two reputations to ashes.
15 comments:
I love writing blurbs! Yours needs work. It's disjointed and doesn't flow well. (Sorry, but you asked!) Use the time period not the year for the bones. I can work on this, but not before coffee. LOL
Okay. 'stealing Pleistocene era bones.' I probably don't need the word 'animal.' I will work on flow. Thanks!
I do like the first tagline, although it speaks to danger and suspense rather than romance. As for the blurb, I agree with Jannine. Sorry, but we wouldn’t’t be helping otherwise. My initial advice would be start with the characters, then get into the crimes. I do like the last line, though. But, what’s with the donkey and pig? Seems unnecessary. My 2 cents.
Margo, I added the donkey and pig last minute...shouldn't have. Will omit. Okay, characters first; crimes second. Turns out the story is not a romance...much more about the mystery, so thanks for that observation.
Draft 33:
Giant redwoods crave a scorching forest fire to release their seeds. What kind of heat will smoke poachers out of Sequoia National Park?
***
Sable Chisholm’s on-duty brain injury eliminated her sense of fear and made her a pariah to other FBI agents in L.A. Now a ranger in Sequoia, she teams with Carter Glass, a loner of a ranger, successful at solving park problems with statistical analysis. Together they must collar criminals stealing Pleistocene era bones from park caves.
When the thieves start shooting rangers, the mystery deepens and the stakes skyrocket.
For the ancient Sequoia tree, fire is nice, but the conflagration caused by park poachers could reduce the reputations of two rangers to ashes.
A whole lot better! Just a little fine tuning needed now.
What a coincidence! I'm working on my blurb, too. In fact, my next post on the 15th is so similar, I'm almost embarrassed. Almost. We all need multiple sets of eyes to get the blurb right. Draft 33 is indeed an improvement. I would also ask you to take another look at the opening teaser. Giant Sequoias need heat to release their seeds, but I think "crave" might be pushing the envelope, word-wise. I've read and re-read the second line, and it trips me up every time. I keep reading smoke as an adjective to poachers, as if "smoke poachers" were a thing (which I know they're not.) I know exactly what you want to say, but the wording is a bit awkward for me. Good luck, and take heart! You get to rip mine to shreds on Sunday. LOL
Alison, I thank you for every comment...just what I need to go to draft 34. Critique is a form of caring, and I plan to 'care' for your blurb when it shows up. We really need each for blurb polishing!
Rolynn, the new one is a whole better but I find the sentence,Now a ranger in Sequoia, she teams with Carter Glass, a loner of a ranger, successful at solving park problems with statistical analysis--rather heavy going/reading. Also, I think you want a different word to 'the mystery DEEPENS'--too cliched. Same for 'fire is NICE'
You have lots of good comments, and I'm late to the party. I'll just address the first short tag line. I know what you're going for, but it just misses the mark. First line starts it good, second like needs to be more connected like maybe 'will the heat they need smoke poachers...' or 'will it take that kind of heat to...' Not sure either is good but somehow make more of a connection.
Andi, thanks for your helpful comments. I'm going to work on both those sentences.
I was bothered by the too-loose connection, too. I'll work on it!
Another one late to the party. I'm lousy at blurbs, but I did want to say I really like some the phrasing and plays on words in Draft 33: a loner of a ranger :-), collar criminals, conflagration...reduce the reputations...to ashes. I find writing blurbs harder than the actual story!
I'm late to the party as well, but it sounds like you have it under control. Jannine is great with blurbs. If you want to post a final to our prose Yahoo loop, maybe we can weigh in again? Good luck!
Being very late to this party, all my ideas have been mentioned already. LOL I'm not good at writing blurbs, even worse trying to help. I love all the suggestions.
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